The Succession of Expression

If you’ve seen the flyers for UCSD’s Express to Success (ETS) Workshops, chances are you recognized a good idea. Who couldn’t benefit from more confidence, public speaking ability, and interpersonal relationship skills?

Moving large audiences with the power of my voice is a fantasy of mine. I dream about helping people realize their potential as human beings by speaking about life: pain, healing, love, friendship, well-being, and the power of soul. Content that delivers itself, so to speak. When I took some of my poetry to the stage however, I discovered that, in spite of my intentions, something else took over. My face would flush red (think raspberries), my breath would come up short, and my body would compose itself into strange flamingo postures. Who was this nerve-bound person?

I checked myself in to the 9-week Public Speaking seminar led by ETS director Sara Henry. My first presentation went well, but I cheated by reading a poem I was well-familiar with. My next presentation was more representative of my predicament. I had a story to tell, and every intention of a strong delivery. .. yet the front of the room found me rigid, and self-conscious. In this space, I couldn’t express myself freely. By the last presentation, however, I was considerably smoother (and happier). I am not sure if public speaking is like riding a bicycle, but it does remind me a lot of snowboarding. The first few times you go down the mountain on your butt. It takes many runs before you can stand/think on your feet, but once you’re up there and comfortable with your footing, you can fly. I’m not flying yet, but I am less red. I am also standing up straight now.

It’s been a wonderful opportunity to practice, experiment, and put myself thru my paces in a sea (or pond, rather) of supportive faces. I have gained a new level of awareness for the simple subtleties of communication we constantly take for granted: posture, tone, eye- contact, even content.

I would recommend this workshop to anybody who lives and works amongst other people. Even if you have no interest in standing on soap-boxes, you probably realize the benefit of being able to communicate with confidence to, say, a traffic cop. I would also recommend ETS workshops to anybody who has friends, family members, and/or lovers. How might relationships be deepened and strengthened, how might connections grow, if we were to pay attention and be deliberate in every word being communicated? The implications are tremendous.

Public speaking is only one of many programs offered by ETS. Check out their website for quarterly updates and schedules!

The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.
-Anthony Robbins

Wellness Journalism: Dear UCSD

In response to the recent uprising against racism on campus

To the community of UCSD,

We are mad at the system that we feel has repressed us. We want to be free, we want to overcome, we want to win. But we cannot fight for freedom and peace, because the very nature of a fight precludes both freedom and peace—in fact, it perpetuates the cycle of oppression. It necessitates that one party prevail over another, and in that scenario, both sides feel threatened and react accordingly. Fighting against something merely serves to reinforce it. What is called for, then, what pounds in our hearts and brings us flocking together, is a yearning for awareness. A shift in consciousness.

Suss it out. On what level does the issue exist? It is a matter of human emotion and how we choose to express our feelings. Is this Warfare, or Welfare?

Discrimination is supposed to be illegal, but how can we prosecute perception? We have arrived at the reality of how people treat each other. This is about human rights and it’s inextricable from any other inconsideration committed by one person against another. Repression, crime, and war are all symbolic of the isolation of the psyche, just as coming together to create a movement for positive change is symbolic of the connection of the soul.

Over the course of history we have won many battles, only to keep fighting. This is the human condition. We are all hurt. We’ve got to stop fighting and start feeling. To truly succeed in making a change, we must first cultivate a deeper awareness of the atmosphere we are creating…we must infuse ourselves with compassion, understanding, and acceptance. (This is the only state of mind in which we can actually LIVE, not just visit on the weekends.)

Secret to destroying the enemy? Love it to death. In the light of love, the enemy disappears. It is only our own shadow that prevents us from seeing each other and treating each other as equals. It’s a collective effort that must be taken personally; we can only be responsible for our own emotions and emissions. Keep an open heart.

With my deepest respect and appreciation,

Gina Tang
Office of Student Wellness

Wellness Journalism: Harvesting the Fields of Vision

Seeing as how we are each one-of-a-kind, we have unique perspectives. Rather than making this into a point of contention, however, let’s take the opportunity to broaden our horizons.

This isn’t always easy. Often we associate our own perspective with being right. But in order to be right, something or someone else becomes wrong. It’s a hairy scenario with no option for harmony or connection.

Summer of 2008: A busy bee, I was almost always gone, or on the move, or in my room doing homework. My roommate Vanessa would occasionally make comments like, “Oh, where are you going now?” or, “Are you going to be home for dinner tonight?” As I left the house, I could see that she was upset, but I couldn’t understand what her problem was. From my perspective, I was simply living my life, doing my thing. I had nothing against Vanessa, except for the usual piling up of dirty dishes and cat hair in the hallway. Finally, after about a month of uncomfortable and awkward interactions, she came into my room crying. It turned out that from Vanessa’s point of view, I was avoiding her, rejecting her friendship. Her feelings were hurt because we weren’t spending time together—something she had envisioned when we became roommates—and she had been taking my busy schedule personally.

Being able to communicate our individual perspectives made all the difference. Once I knew how she was feeling, I made an effort to sit in the kitchen when I had some free time and ask about her day. I gave her more hugs. With an expanded understanding (Vanessa, I still like you and want to be your friend) we were able to enjoy eachother once again, and the household rejoiced!

In the figure above, I have illustrated the nature of perception. Joe’s field of vision is depicted by the sun, and Moe’s field of vision is depicted by the moon. The margin of common vision is typically much smaller than the area of individual perspective, since Joe and Moe come from different backgrounds, cultures, and life experience. What will be harvested from their interaction? Sun meets moon or sun versus moon?

We are empowered when we connect, communicate, and compromise.

In the big picture, the ultimate truth is that both realities exist, sun and moon alike, regardless of the opinion of one about whether or not the reality of the other is valid. You cannot discount the reality of another person any more than you can discount your own reality.

Two people’s perspectives can be as different as night and day—and we need both. When we accept this truth, we can work toward understanding.

If you are stuck in a “First Person” narration, you’re literally missing out on the rest of the world and its wonderful diversity. Expand your capacity for fun, friendship, love, and laughter. Make room for multiple realities! Your world will be a bigger, richer place.

After all, when you come right down to it, how many people speak the same language even when they speak the same language?
-Russel Hoban

Wellness Journalism: Diversify.

Culture: The totality of socially transmitted behavior patterns, arts, beliefs, institutions, and all other products of human work and thought.

Holy Cow.

This amounts to an incredible, and indispensable, mound of jewels. Admittedly, not everything that humans have come up with qualifies as shiny (to speak generally of that which has been responsible for restraint or destruction of life-force). According to my measurements, however, the good far outweighs the bad.

We must value diversity if we are to heal our world. There are societies that existed far more successfully, healthfully,and harmoniously than we currently do—we have much to learn—and much to share. Without contrast, we would not be self-aware; we depend on global culture in order to understand and appreciate our existence. Art and beauty are bursting forth from every corner of the earth. If we can utilize our creativity collectively, we will develop a strength never before imagined.

Like biodiversity, which is essential to the long-term survival of life on earth, cultural diversity is vital for the long-term survival of humanity.

In this expanding society, would we avoid or discount what we don’t understand, or would we recognize that the vast array of culture is responsible for the true wealth of the world? Would we build walls, or create bridges?

Anthony Robbins said, "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."

Thanks to diversity, we can be of interest to each other.

Celebrating diversity at UCSD!

International Center

Cross Cultural Center

LGBT Resource Center

Center for Ethics and Spirituality

UCSD Student Survey

Languages of Love

Communicating Love and Appreciation in Relationships

Language barriers: they aren’t just an obstacle among strangers, but can block the roads to those closest to us as well. This especially applies to romance languages. No, I don’t mean French or Italian. I am talking about the ways in which we communicate care and consideration.

Just as there are many languages of the world, each person has a different way of expressing love and appreciation. Deciphering another’s love language (and determining your own) can strengthen and enhance relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners.

Words of Affirmation – Compliments, encouraging words, and terms of endearment have an amazing power to uplift us. Never underestimate the effects of a genuine “Thank you,” or “I love you.” When our loads get heavy (and they always do), encouragement can make all the difference!

Quality Time – “How was your day?” Take time to understand what is happening in the lives of those you care about. From daily news to the hopes and dreams of the future, sharing the details of your world is a wonderful way to connect. When people get comfortable in their relationships, quality one-on-one time may get pushed to the back burner. Spend some time focused on the other person or perform an activity both enjoy, rather than doing different things in the same room.

Receiving Gifts/Tokens – I’m not talking about fancy jewelry and expensive underwear. Think back to elementary school: children bestow drawings, flowers, or even small insects to show that they are thinking of you. Many cultures demonstrate love with copious amounts of home-cooked food, regardless of whether or not you’re already stuffed. It just goes to show that it really is the thought that counts; simple hand-crafted gestures can be the most meaningful.

Acts of Service – This may sound like work, but everyone is capable of doing something nice for another person. It can be as simple as packing a lunch, taking out the trash, or helping with a task. For example, when my partner assisted me with the daunting work of job hunting, it sent a clear message of, “I want to make your life easier.” I was able to directly experience his love and support through his efforts to help.

Physical Touch – There’s something comforting in tactile connection with another person. Nothing soothes a bad day like a hug from a friend or family member, holding hands on a walk, or sex with a trusted partner. Since not all touch is created equal, find out what your loved one wants from you.

While our families and upbringing may determine our primary love language, every relationship will benefit from continued learning. Increase your fluency in multiple love languages! Think about the ways you show affection and appreciation, and how you most clearly receive these messages from others. Unlike French or Italian, the languages of love are easy to learn. As you expand your love vocabulary, communicating loud and clear, satisfaction will grow too.

Information taken from a graduate student workshop “Communicating Love and
Appreciation in Relationships” led by Dr. Tiffany O’Meara, and loosely
based off of the book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

Wellness Journalism: What About Your Friends?

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out"
-Walter Winchell

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
- Donna Roberts

"The best mirror is an old friend."
- George Herbert

What is this mysterious power known as FRIENDSHIP?

Wikipedia, the semi-final word on many things, offers an explanation:

Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:
• the tendency to desire what is best for the other
• sympathy and empathy
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• mutual understanding

Let’s take a closer look at some of these traits.

• Desire what is best. Friends genuinely care about your happiness and well-being. They don’t keep you around just to make themselves look good, or put you into dangerous situations without getting your permission.
• Sympathy. Friends like you enough to wear your shoes for awhile.
• Honesty. Friends will tell you that you have broccoli in your teeth, or when you’re being thick in the head. They will also tell you when you are being too hard on yourself.
• Understanding. When your neurons are in a bunch, a friend is someone with whom you can untangle the knots. A good friend sees and loves you for who you truly are, allowing you to express yourself freely without needing to be “sensitive to your audience,” or “intelligent,” or even “mature.”

Friendship is the lace in a tennis shoe or the ice cream in an otherwise empty cone.

Frodo and Sam demonstrate, in "The Lord of the Rings," that with a good friend by your side you can survive the darkest of times. The television series "Friends" shows that quirky neurotic singles working thankless jobs in a big city can have a rich and satisfying life together. Or there’s Harry Potter, who reminds us that even if you’re a powerful wizard, the greatest comfort in life is your two best friends Ron and Hermione.

Every friendship is special and unique: no two people are alike, and therefore, no two identical combinations exist. The chemistry between friends is what makes this experiment of living seem less like science and more like art.

Wellness Journalism: Beloved.

First there’s Good Ol’ Mum or Dad, maybe some brothers and sisters. In spite of (considerable) dysfunction, you do your best to keep things positive and love them unconditionally. After all, they’re family… they’re part of who you are…and they’re not going anywhere.

Then you venture out into the world at large, and find love under a rock or behind a 7-11 or sitting next to you in Calculus. Here’s where it gets a bit trickier. This love is not mandated, not a given in the equation like the love of folks at home. This love is a variable. It’s a force that can lift you up or just as quickly evaporate from under your feet; as Ben Harper sings, “When it’s good it’s oh-so-good, but when it’s gone it’s gone.”

Indeed, when things are peachy with Significant Other, life is good. It’s when these feelings of love are threatened that the world seems to shrink-- entire theories of happiness hanging in the balance of a single transaction: The Break-Up.

Sometimes keeping a positive relationship with a loved one means letting her/him go.

Keeping positive does not mean that things never get difficult. It means that when they do (and they inevitably do), you take a positive approach to the situation. “A Course in Miracles” teaches that nothing real can be threatened. If a relationship is not serving you, is not healthy—is not, in fact, REAL—then breaking up is more positive than staying together. If however, the relationship is serving your highest and best interest, difficulties will strengthen both communication and commitment. The key is to be honest about how you are feeling. If something is bothering you to the point that the words “Break-Up” have formed in your mind, it is time to have a conversation. Spill the beans and let them lie where they may. Love is being yourself: when something is knocking at the door of your heart, open up!

Social Wellness creates balance. In balance, you aren’t relying on one person for all of your love. With friends and family to help ground and support you, a transition from “coupledom” to “autonomy” can be filled with the joy of self-discovery.

If you’re at a breaking point, keep the following ideas in mind…

• Growing pains are par for the course.
• Write your stream-of-consciousness. Let your voice pour onto the page, unfiltered. There are truths that no amount of thinking or talking can express, but the written word will capture.
• You have the resources to address any situation--don't be afraid to ask for help.
• Honor your feelings!